My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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