Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
