did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Sorry my hands just texted you
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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