How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
