If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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