there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
being pregnant is like rehab
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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