you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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