Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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