Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize