He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
