I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
