I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
