and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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