ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
