listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
