Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
