If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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