i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
