Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
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