Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
