so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
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