Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
