....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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