you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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