If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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