At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
