i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
