based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i barfeds in our rink
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
