is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
