the condom got lost in my hair
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
But break dance skills will only take you so far
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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