hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
