just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
