I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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