No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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