The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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