The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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