the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
