Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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