dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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