only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
