My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
