and my herpes radar will keep us safe
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
