Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
