Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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