We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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