Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
