MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
