When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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