...so i touched it.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
