she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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