i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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