What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
