I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
