I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Randomize
