One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
