I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
