I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just cut my nipple shaving
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Help. Why am I so naked?
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